My partner, Kurtis, was someone that lived openly, that often encouraged me to be more so, and thus, in a desire to honour this - I spoke at his memorial.
Because of my significant health issues shortly after his death, my beloved’s memorial was held just over three weeks after his passing. I wrote what I did a few days after being released from the hospital, and a few days before the service.
I couldn’t bear to read it aloud to practice. I couldn’t sustain my attention for long enough to edit it after the first draft. I had no idea even if I would be able to say the words without disintegrating emotionally, just as I had no idea if my weakened body would be able to physically handle the toll of standing behind the podium during my delivery.
As it turned out, though my whole body shook under the duress of standing while I was speaking, I did not fall, but from the moment I finished speaking, a migraine struck me so strongly that it rendered me essentially immobile for the next three days.
Which is to say, speaking was very difficult, and certainly would not be something I would recommend for everyone, but it was my choice, and it was what I wanted to do, for him.
If you would like to hear me speak these words, you can listen here at this recording of his memorial.
I begin speaking at 54:38
I will finish this part of the letter by saying that I do not know if I found words right enough or good enough for the glory of him, of our life together. But I do know it was an effort that I wanted to make for him.
That, I suppose, will have to be enough.
That I know, because of who he was, would have been more than enough for him.