how do I stop myself...?

Mar 03, 2026

There is a difference between your character and your personality.

Do you know what I mean?

The basic-average-man sitting across from me at the cafe that is now permanently closed did not know what I meant.

I explained, as the server who always worked at the cafe when I was on dates slipped me a few extra ounces of house white, that the way I term it, your character is rooted in your values. Or, character is your cardinal direction(s).

What are yours? I wondered.

Yours? he echoed, but his was a longer intonation. Yooooouuuurs?

He was at a loss. He didn’t know. The server swung by our table again.

Did we want a food menu?

The server had dark, boisterously wavy hair and while we had never discussed her keeping me safe, that is what she would do.

I’m good, thanks, I told her and she smiled, drifted away but not so far away.

I continued to talk at the basic-average-man. Before this, he’d had a full hour on his start-up therapy business created exclusively for men, a breathless sixty on the benefits of therapeutic techniques for men (emphasis his) that seemed so remarkably fringe that I wondered if those techniques were considered ethical or permissable? Wasn’t psychology practice held to a regulatory body?

He hadn’t asked me a single question and he wouldn’t. He was, like so many, not a bad person but terminally uncurious.

Your personality is the parts of you that you want people to see or it even the parts of you that appear when you are perceived by others. It’s an external presentation of yourself and it both influences the world and, is in turn, influenced by it.

The basic-average man wondered if we didn’t want to order a white bean hummus?

If the basic-average-man had asked me, I would have told him that usually my personality tends to be decisive and direct. I love a hot take. I’m quick on my feet and in mind and, at times dismissive of delay. Impatient even. Productive, always.

I tend to most often be in my personality when I’m at work — not when I’m writing — but when I’m in jobs. This often leads to moments where my personality carries me away. I might be moving quickly, tossing out decisions and opinions with clarity and certainty, but once I slow down, once I’m driving home, I begin to question myself:

Why did I say it like that? I didn’t entirely mean it as I said it. Did people understand that? Did they understand me?

It’s taken me some time to realize that this period of questioning, which for many years in many jobs, was a daily occurrence was, in fact, arising from the delta between my personality and my character.

My character arcs toward the tender and discerning. Prone to a sharp read. Bent towards nuance. Soft, even.

I am most in my character when I’m at home, whether that’s physically in terms of location, or spiritually, in terms of company. When I am in my character around others, it’s rare that I experience a period of questioning after the fact. On those drives back, I usually experience calm — a sense of fulfilment. Living in alignment with my character, my values, has this effect of ease. Of peace.

This is not to say I need a new personality. My personality gets so much done.

I love the point of view, the hot take, the sense of humor, even the leadership that my personality allows me to access. But when people take my personality as my entire self, they misunderstand me, typically, to be more rigid that I really am. And as a result, I feel misunderstood! which can lead me to a kind of defensiveness that J calls ‘prickly’ and so suddenly a loop forms where I become the thing I worry people believe I am.

What I am trying to do these days is bridge the delta. Take my character to work. Bring my personality to drinks. I’m trying to be more aware of when I am in one part of myself and when I am in the other. Reform is not the purpose but rather reunion.

I don’t know yet what I will discover in and of myself the closer my personality and my character draw together. What will arise of their new and nearing proximity? But it feels important to me to discover. Even understanding the difference between the two feels essential to greater understanding, from others, and from myself.

As it turned out, I did not want the white bean hummus. I wanted the bill.

Outside the cafe, I stepped quickly toward my vehicle. Goodbye, I said to the basic-average man. Good luck, I said.

I left so quickly I caught the basic-average man’s lightly confused Okay, bye? only at the periphery, like a trailing scent in the air. When I looked back, he stood in the middle of the sidewalk. He looked unsure. A man who had no idea what direction was his.

He had told me everything he knew about himself and somehow, both of us understood absolutely nothing about who he was.