I’ve actually been journaling about this a lot. It’s not even just dating; I’m noticing it with people in general, and it’s starting to feel weirdly hard to make new friends or get past a couple of dates with someone. I keep wondering if everyone's brains being overloaded with reels and constant content has something to do with this. Real curiosity about the person in front of you feels rarer than it should. And when it’s missing, I start wondering if it’s me, like am I not interesting enough? even though it probably has very little to do with me.
Terminally incurious. Such a beautiful description of a lack of interest in others. I hesitate to comment but not enough hesitation to stop me. I hesitate because I might reveal that I have completely missed the point of what you’ve written… and because Im unsure of the substack etiquette - is the comments section only for praise or is it for ‘what did you mean by’? I was side swiped by your use of the phrase ‘basic-average man’ because I only really know you through your writing and you’ve always avoided use of generalisations. Then on reflection on what set me off is I realised that probably if you came across me in a cafe you’d see me as ‘basic-average man’ (but then again I would ask questions back and not talk at you because I do love people even though living with terminal introversion). Further reflection. We have a section in the church service where we are encouraged (told, really) “Go and talk to someone you don’t know” Well I know everyone my age, so I talk to 20 and 30 year olds as they are the bulk of the demographic. I’ve yet to talk to anyone who asks or Inquires about my loves or life. In fact one guy, after no back and forth just said ‘yes, well, I’m going to finish now and go and find someone else to talk to’ … as if he had been talking to me. 3 years ago I was THE pastor of our church, now my son is. We slid into the background on purpose to give them their wings. Now we’re back, there’s basically just new people. We are anonymous. And I like the new perspective it gives me. And I’m not worth an ask. A question. A ‘what have you learnt in 65 years?’. Now my comment comes across as a complaint or someone in need of therapy. I know I’m raging internally against the ‘after 60 you become invisible’ narrative. It probably adds to my mood that we just came back from India where we support a college and go every year for the graduation. There the 15 - 30 year olds actively seek you out to talk to you and ask advice and find everything about you interesting. It’s not politeness, they LOVE old people and see them as a source of wisdom. I guess I’m saying if you’re terminally incurious in your 20’s and live there, thats’s who’ll you’ll be in your dotage. I can’t imagine a life so colourless that interest in others (or travel) are not priorities. Now I feel I’ve commented at you. I guess that’s the burden of someone who writes beautifully, your readers feel they want to talk with you in what can be a one way conversation. And if I have stomped all over the Substack ettiqutte of comments, forgive me.
Rob I love your comments! I love the idea that we must always be habitually curious about everyone! I also cannot fathom a life where I am not endlessly interested in others. I often pepper any and all people with questions so personal I make them uncomfortable ! I will also note that the phrase basic-average was, in fact, the way in which this particular man described himself — so I love that you picked up on it as a phrase of generality living outside of my usual way because, it is literally, a phrase not of my origin ◡̈ also please stay in conversation. I love talking with you.
Love this so much, Amy. Yes, the personality! A shaman once told me not to worry about my personality, as I often did (and often still do). I love the idea of inviting my character out more into the spaces my personality dominates. Thank you for this well-written distinction and beautiful inner look xx
“terminally uncurious” made me laugh because I just sat through a date like that (literally 30 mins ago).
side note: now your piece also made me think about which version of myself I bring into different rooms.
Wooooooof dates like that are so mid because they’re not awful but my word they’re not interested in the world!!!
I’ve actually been journaling about this a lot. It’s not even just dating; I’m noticing it with people in general, and it’s starting to feel weirdly hard to make new friends or get past a couple of dates with someone. I keep wondering if everyone's brains being overloaded with reels and constant content has something to do with this. Real curiosity about the person in front of you feels rarer than it should. And when it’s missing, I start wondering if it’s me, like am I not interesting enough? even though it probably has very little to do with me.
Thanks. I’ll keep conversing. You keep writing.
"Reform is not the purpose but rather reunion." Whew! Bless our many, endless, unfolding inner-reunions!
terminally uncurious is going to be my new favorite descriptor.
Terminally incurious. Such a beautiful description of a lack of interest in others. I hesitate to comment but not enough hesitation to stop me. I hesitate because I might reveal that I have completely missed the point of what you’ve written… and because Im unsure of the substack etiquette - is the comments section only for praise or is it for ‘what did you mean by’? I was side swiped by your use of the phrase ‘basic-average man’ because I only really know you through your writing and you’ve always avoided use of generalisations. Then on reflection on what set me off is I realised that probably if you came across me in a cafe you’d see me as ‘basic-average man’ (but then again I would ask questions back and not talk at you because I do love people even though living with terminal introversion). Further reflection. We have a section in the church service where we are encouraged (told, really) “Go and talk to someone you don’t know” Well I know everyone my age, so I talk to 20 and 30 year olds as they are the bulk of the demographic. I’ve yet to talk to anyone who asks or Inquires about my loves or life. In fact one guy, after no back and forth just said ‘yes, well, I’m going to finish now and go and find someone else to talk to’ … as if he had been talking to me. 3 years ago I was THE pastor of our church, now my son is. We slid into the background on purpose to give them their wings. Now we’re back, there’s basically just new people. We are anonymous. And I like the new perspective it gives me. And I’m not worth an ask. A question. A ‘what have you learnt in 65 years?’. Now my comment comes across as a complaint or someone in need of therapy. I know I’m raging internally against the ‘after 60 you become invisible’ narrative. It probably adds to my mood that we just came back from India where we support a college and go every year for the graduation. There the 15 - 30 year olds actively seek you out to talk to you and ask advice and find everything about you interesting. It’s not politeness, they LOVE old people and see them as a source of wisdom. I guess I’m saying if you’re terminally incurious in your 20’s and live there, thats’s who’ll you’ll be in your dotage. I can’t imagine a life so colourless that interest in others (or travel) are not priorities. Now I feel I’ve commented at you. I guess that’s the burden of someone who writes beautifully, your readers feel they want to talk with you in what can be a one way conversation. And if I have stomped all over the Substack ettiqutte of comments, forgive me.
Rob I love your comments! I love the idea that we must always be habitually curious about everyone! I also cannot fathom a life where I am not endlessly interested in others. I often pepper any and all people with questions so personal I make them uncomfortable ! I will also note that the phrase basic-average was, in fact, the way in which this particular man described himself — so I love that you picked up on it as a phrase of generality living outside of my usual way because, it is literally, a phrase not of my origin ◡̈ also please stay in conversation. I love talking with you.
Woah. Amy. This blew my mind a little and I'm gonna sit with what my delta is too. 💓
Love this so much, Amy. Yes, the personality! A shaman once told me not to worry about my personality, as I often did (and often still do). I love the idea of inviting my character out more into the spaces my personality dominates. Thank you for this well-written distinction and beautiful inner look xx